Shame On You, AND Your Vagina

Barb Byrum (left) and Lisa Brown (right) were banned from Michigan House of Representative floor for “violating House decorum” for using the words “vasectomy” and “vagina” in a debate on sexual reproductive rights.

Last Thursday, Congresswomen Lisa Brown and Barb Byrum were banned from speaking in Michigan State House of Representatives after using the words “vagina” and “vasectomy” in a debate on a bill that would outlaw abortions after 20 weeks of pregnancy.

Officials said it was not the word “vagina” that was so offensive but Brown’s allusion to rape. Congresswoman Brown said, “I’m flattered you’re all so concerned about my vagina. But no means no.” Byrum, who was introducing a bill related to vasectomies, was not informed why she was banned from speaking or how long she would be banned.

Which brings us to a special edition of REALLY?!? with Kelly Cousineau*

*Please note reversal of punctuation to avoid copyright infringement. Sorry, Seth and Amy for borrowing your bit but SNL isn’t in season and SOMEONE had to do it.

Really, Majority Leader Jim Stamas?! You’re going to suppress someone’s first amendment right for using the medical term for female anatomy in a debate on abortion?!? REALLY?!?! I mean, I get that the word “vagina” sounds like some sort of heavy metal, screamo song and the movie “Teeth” was pretty scary, but REALLY?!?!

If your only concern was the offensive allusion to rape then why did you ban Byrum for using the word “vasectomy?” Is a vasectomy so emasculating a procedure that it could be analogous to rape? Because there is no other logical reason to ban Byrum, unless she, too, upset your delicate sensibilities with her naughty vocabulary, I mean, REALLY.

And was Brown’s statement really that offensive?! I get it, Lisa Brown gave you a straight-up, third-degree schoolyard burn by telling you to keep your opinions out of her lady parts but are we really going to punish someone for being clever in congress? Is it so wrong to be both an elected state official and have a sense of humor?! I mean REALLY? I know YOU happen to have the sense of humor of Larry King’s shriveled ball sack but do you really have to resort to banning someone from fulfilling their duty as a democratically-elected official to prove that this is YOUR house? Really?! Isn’t that a little childish of you?

Let’s get right down to the bottom line:to prevent upsetting issues like this in the future, we need to put our genitals aside and create a congressional mandate with the following changes. Henceforth, the following offensive terms shall only use these euphemistic, congress-approved titles:

The Term Formerly Known As “Penis” Will Be Known As  “Ding-Dong

The Term Formerly Known As “Vagina” Will Be Known As “Hoo-Hoo

The Term Formerly Known As”Vasectomy” Will Be Known As “Snip, Snip

The Term Formerly Known As “Hysterectomy” Will Be Known As “Tube Twist

That should make things infinitely more comfortable for you. Now, will you please grow a pair, apologize to and reinstate the legislators that you so boldly censored? On behalf of all Hoo-hoos everywhere, I thank you.